Yerevan: մնաց 69 օր / 69 days left

I stopped posting so often. I don't know what the reasons are, I think there are many.

First of all, my brother moved in with me and our parents. He used to live in the apartment that I had rented. There was so much going on in that apartment, I was sad to say goodbye to it. It was like saying goodbye to all the memories of R., too.

Secondly, yesterday Azerbaijan attacked Artsakh again, but this time full scale. I think it will be completely overrun this time. I need to do something to feel needed - to give blood, to donate money, to help somehow, otherwise I go crazy monitoring the news all the time. This time there seems to be no shelling of Armenian cities as there was last year.

Thirdly, the repair on the first floor, which takes all of our money and all of my step-father's strength, who is doing it alone. But at least my brother and I will be able to move there to live, instead of all of us living on the second floor.

Fourth, I don't spend a lot of time writing. I just got a review of a dialogue I wrote. I have to say that I hate dialogues, I just hate it with all my heart. So while I was writing it I was thinking about how unnatural it all sounds. Dialogue is unnecessary. Everything between people can be expressed by just observing them. They have absolutely no need to talk. Anyway, my dialogue was, of course, terrible and I got a corresponding review where the reviewer wrote that I was focusing too much on meaningless words. I want to scream that dialogue itself as a form of expression is completely meaningless. Fine. I should read Robert McKee's book on dialogue and see what he writes. But he'll have a different approach, because he writes more about screenwriting than prose.

Fifth, I've taken up Spanish. Seriously. I'm studying with a native speaker from Galicia. She's very nice, but I can't speak normally, I'm very shy. I printed out a grammar book and I'm doing exercises from it plus reading the book without translating, that is, catching the general idea. My tutor is very similar to me, I would like to meet her, she said that if I'm traveling and need a travel buddy, she would be happy to join me. That was great, I really need a travel buddy.

Sixth, I'm training for a marathon. I don't know if it will happen after the Azerbaijan's attack, but either way I have less than a month to prepare myself for a half marathon. I'm even embarrassed to say that - that I won't even run a half marathon, but a half of one.

Seventh, I'm trying to figure out where I'm flying to at the end of November. So far, to no avail. I have no idea where to start. I've written out all the places I want to go on that side of the world, but so far it looks like I need to save up a lot more money and need to quit my job and just travel all the countries in Europe.

Eighth, the question comes up - why am I actually leaving Yerevan? Why do I want to leave again? What is the problem? I don't have an answer to the question and I think the question itself is wrongly put by me. Except that I don't understand what the right question is. I'm trying to understand it and trying to figure out if I can cope here alone or if I need help from the outside - some kind of psychologist?