Yerevan: մնաց հարյուր յոթ օր / 107 days left

I feel like sh*t right now. Dehydrated, weak, can't even get out of my room except for using the bathroom. It seems that yesterday the sun stroked me strongly. It was a stroke that I hadn't noticed till now - went last night to a queer party that takes place once in 3 month in Yerevan (I was able to walk at that point). That was a bad idea since the whole day yesterday I spent in the pool, it was +38 and I didn't wear any headwear.

I've been going out every weekend, went to Batumi, the love of my and my family's lives - our cat - died this week. I feel bad. I feel guilty. I can still see how he was looking at me when being carried out into the emergency room all by himself. The worst thing in the world is watching your loved ones suffering and not being able to help them. He left me several scratches on my left forearm.

I got the visa. The longest one after COVID - 177 days. My urge to travel has never been so strong. My urge to live, too.

I got myself into the Creative Writing School till October. It's online. I love their reading list. Today was the first day of it - it is online, every week they open a new module devoted to different aspects of writing.

I've been thinking about A. It's not like I think about him all the time, but a thought or two about him jump into my head every day. This means it's been more than 200 thoughts about A. in about 3 months. I don't initiate any talking with him. I really want to talk to him propely like once when I stayed over at his place overnight and we cuddled and talked the whole night. When I'm no longer looking at him with my pink glasses on I see so many problems, so many things that will annoy me in him, so many things that will annoy him in me, so many emotional work needed to be done between us. And I still want him. I see how we can develop together, and I mean it not in a romantic-relationship-family way, I mean it in personal-soul-bounding way. We can help each other get better at understanding ourselves. He would understand himself better, I would understand myself better through him. I want to see him getting better at what he loves doing, I want to get better at my life's work - what I love doing. I want to collaborate with him. Maybe write stuff for his photos, maybe give ideas about potential projects. I want him to give me the same. And for me it is so far beyond all the relationship-like things. This is what I seek in a long-term partnership, in love. A passionate collaboration between two people who love what they are doing and want to get better at it and need support, some pushing, challenges and new ideas.

Now, when I understand it, I feel much better.