Yerevan: մնաց 10 օր / 10 days left

Ten days. Wow. It's been six months since my last trip to Spain. And I'm going again in ten days.

Will I see A. ? I don't know.

The day I arrive, I'm going to a concert with V.. I'm awfully excited about that. I miss her energy. I'll see O. one of these days. I'll see J. I love them all so much. All my friends give me so many warm feelings, a feeling that I would do anything for them.

I guess I don't really want to leave right now. It's so weird. Because I really really want to apply to graduate school. For that, I have to write like two papers, get my letters of recommendation together. I have to take an English test. And that's all before April first. And my plan was to travel around Europe until the end of March. I think I'll be back much sooner than that to get everything done. Hopefully by then I'll be able to live alone in my own room without having to pay for it, and I'll be able to save money to pay for my master's program.

I'm not at all sure if I really need a master's program. But I've been thinking about it for over a year now. I really want to get an education here, in English and in a field that is very close to me. With all the chaos that is going on in the world, I see how my country can improve, that I can influence it. And I don't want to miss this rare opportunity. Even if everything goes to hell. I have to try.

I think I should sign up to volunteer at a women's support center.

As I write this my head is occupied by A. Honestly, the closer the departure date gets, the more I think about him or the feelings and emotions his image evokes in me. I still can't come to terms with the fact that he does evoke such strong feelings in me. I don't understand how and most importantly why he evokes them in me. Why is this happening? To this day, when I think about him, my heart starts pounding very fast and I can physically feel the adrenaline rising in my blood. It's like I'm finally starting to play a game that I've wanted to play for so long, but I don't know anything about it. I just know I want to play it so badly.

I don't want to text him when I get there. If he wants to, he'll text me. If he doesn't, I'll write him the day before I leave so I can hand him my little essay. Not a love letter, but just a collection of what I felt and thought about him. I'm a bit embarrassed to do that. But on the other hand, it's something I really want to do. I'm not ashamed of what I've experienced and am experiencing. I just want him to know that's all. Maybe never speak to me again. We've pretty much lost contact as it is.