WTF with me
WTF with me
I'm not doing well. I feel trapped, because it is the moment where you should take off one of your hands from the thing that is not going to happen and put all it on the things that are more probable to happen in the near future. And I can't do it. I feel like I'm on the train between two cars and I should decide which car I'm staying in, and the longer it takes me to decide, the more probable is me falling off the train and/or dying. What do I do? Who can help me? I've never been good at deciding on the spot, my brain doesn't work so fast. I need to be calm to. decide on something important.
I still have these images of the future:
Me living in Barcelona and working some office job. Hanging out with friends, learning Spanish and Catalan. Maybe even dating A. Taking up free courses on screenwriting. Going to the beach each Sunday. Sharing the flat with 5 other people. Biking to small villages on Costa Brava. Running my first marathon. Going to gym every evening. Dating hot guys. Dating hot girls. Going with the flow. Discovering new cultures and new countries. Not being afraid of walking in El Raval in the evening. Being friends with the old ladies from the neighborhood.
Me making money. The money I couldn't imagine earning in one month. Having a straight-forward career path. Something in a big IT corporation. Something more people-oriented, something that requires being extremely responsible. Having breakdown at least once a month. Having a health insurance that covers a dentist and my therapist. Working late hours. Helping my parents repay their debts in just half a year. Paying extra just to feel comfortable on the plane. Paying extra just not to wait in lines. Saving up money because I have an idea to go to some exotic country and spend a week in a 5 star hotel. Paying for my parents' holidays. Thinking about moving to another country but not very hard to start actually doing something about it.
Me living in Yerevan. Finishing my master's degree and not having a decent income. Looking for another graduate or post-graduate program to move out from this shithole. Applying for all the programs I find in Europe. Only for programs that offer scholarships, funding. Collecting reference letters. Writing motivation letters. Getting rejected. And then some place takes me in. I'm happy, but that place is located in the part of Europe that I don't want to live in. It's ok, I'm telling myself, we'll figure it out, it's going to be okay, at least you are going to live in Europe. Then moving there and getting depressed, and taking vitamin D, vitamin C, going out with people, trying everything to get myself happy again, but all I get is the chronicle depression and just functioning without any pleasure in it.
Long story LONG - I have to decide f I want to be involved in a big long-lasting project in this region, or just move out and not leave traces. I never considered myself somebody who is a part of any civil society. I'm not representative of this society.One of the potential consequences of saying 'yes' to this project is me traveling to Argentina to learn their experience of creating this project. Oh God. This was what I've always wanted, to travel there. But what about the project in Yerevan, I'd need to stay here afterwards. Do I want this even???