Maybe I did something right
Maybe I did something right
I'm completely exhausted sitting in the airport of Roma, I'm on my way back home, reflecting about last three days.
The African woman with a huge backpack on one side and a baby tucked tightly on her back. She was carrying the backpack all the way. Nobody gave a hand. On the plane she looked around desperately to see if anyone can help to get her backpack into the upper box. I saw that and I helped. I saw a man standing by her side, but not seeing her struggles, looking through her. I'm shocked that nobody offered help. Such scenes don't exist on the planes to/from Yerevan. Ther'll always be at least one person ready to help.
I met a guy during our org gathering and I didn't like him instantly. I saw how he swipes right on all female profiles in the dating app. I felt disgust. Then someone told me his story. And other person suggested to make a video of a tet-a-tet talk with him for our org's channel. I agreed. During our tet-a-tet I, unexpectedly, saw him as he is. I saw him very hurt, very fragile and about to cry. Such things happen to me - when I really see a person - and it is a very deep emotional moment for me. It is pure magic. I used to get lost in it, I used to think I can help. What if the real act of help is this seeing? What if they know that I saw them and they, at least for a moment, feel as if their mom is breatsfeeding them. Is there any moment in life of an adult person where they can feel as they felt when mom breastfed them?
Life is circular or life is spiral, I think it is both. I met a person that I sent a postcard to 7 years before, randomly, discovering their address in the forum for paypals. I met that person because he became a part of our org. I thought, maybe I did something right in this life. But he is very young and he doesn't know himself - this part makes me sad. I hope he discovers himself and compassion to others. Thinking in boxes costs a fortune if you eventually don't get rid of this teenage habit. I see myself in him, but myself from several years ago.
Is being a part of an org, that aims to bring together people from countries at war and humanize each other, shameful? Because that is what I feel sometimes, I feel shame, I feel guilt, I feel it's not my business. But whose business is it, then? I shared those thoughts with F. and F. said "Para mi es re importante lo que haces por eso, por el contexto en el que lo haces. Hay que estar muy convencida y tener mucho valor para hacerlo sabiendo que vas a tener mucha gente en contra.[] y capaz que dentro de 20 años te encontras con gente que te dice que por ver tu trabajo cambió su manera de entender las cosas o quiso también involucrarse." His words made me emotional. I saw myself and I liked myself. I think I'm heading in the right direction. I'm only scared that something huge and horrible might happen that can influence our org. I hope I'm just being paranoid.
I saw two people falling in love and they were beautiful. It felt so natural to observe them standing there together and enjoying the little time they have. They most probably will never be accepted by their families if they decide to date each other.
I don't like saying "human rights", for me it has a very bitter neoliberal colonial aftertaste. I like using "humanist" instead.
I'm very afraid of wars, I want to never experience it firsthand. I don't want to live in a country at war. I'd do whatever it takes to prevent it.
I'm reminding myself all the time that everything is twofold. That is the life. Maybe I lived this one so many times that I got really tired of it, but I still try to do the impossible. Maybe the point was always to do something impossible but realize it only many many years after.