how unpleasant
how unpleasant
How unpleasant it is to realize that you are the most judgmental person in the room. You are also moralizing—you filter everything through the lens of how things should be and how one ought to act. It is not easy for people like that to live. They never quite reach their own ideal, yet they keep judging everyone else. And how are you supposed to live under those conditions? How do you stop trying to derive the perfect formula for existence?
For example, there is the dilemma of an opportunistic migrant from a developing country living in a developed one: is the migrant bad because they should stay in their country and influence local processes, or are they good because they want a better future for their children?
I always remain somewhere in the middle—not there and not here, never reaching the destination, but no longer where I started either. And then I think: maybe this is how everyone lives. And if everyone really does live like this, it is horrifying, and I do not know how I am supposed to continue living in that case.
When I have not written for a long time, it becomes difficult to separate different subjects from one another; all subjects merge into one: how to live, and why to live. I am trying to formulate a question for my first session with a new therapist: I am constantly dissatisfied, and I am constantly negative. I feel this especially strongly when I am with F., who is almost always in a good mood. I ask him why he is in a good mood, and he says that whenever I am around, he is always in a good mood. That makes me feel even worse. I think: why am I not always in a good mood when I am with him?
I am a tightly drawn bowstring; I am the trigger of a gun, just a little more, and everything will go flying. But what will go flying? What could happen? I do not understand. But something has to happen.
I do not play around, but I need to do that, because otherwise I get stuck in my own head.
I feel as though I am stuck and not moving. I tell myself that the journey is the meaning, and blah blah blah, but it does not help. I cannot see the path, because all I see is the path, I have never seen anything else. Although sometimes I think about how I managed to make my dreams come true, and I feel very proud of myself, for a full thirty seconds.