Apathy
Apathy
It's December 30 and every post-socialist child knows what it means. It means crazy lines in the supermarkets, it means grandmoms and moms carrying half of their weights from the nearest veggie shop, it means that deep cleaning of the house starts now and ends tomorrow around midday. I'm not a child but I still follow those rules since I decided not to pay rent and stay in my mom's house.
I'm extremely anxious about the future. It doesn't even exist yet, but it still makes me want to hide under the blanket and sleep through it. I've created so many versions of future that I can cover half of the mankind with it.
It's still before noon here. I didn't want to wake up today. I dreamed weird dreams that included a very aggressive cat that was attacking me all the time and I was trying to escape from it. I even remember how I thought in my dream that I need to find out what that dream means. So, I looked it up now and seeing a cat that scratches you means illness. Perfect. That's what I need now. To be completely honest with myself - my dreams are not very predictive, unlike my mom's.
I feel like I don't have any strength left now. I don't want to do anything, hear anything. I want to be in the woods and look at the trees and sit there and wait till I don't feel my toes from the cold. The apathy. And I have a flight in a couple of days. Horrible. Total apathy. I'm thinking about F. in Argentina. I can't believe he is real. I can't believe we are together. I want to stop imagining. I want him to tell me the truth that he goes away and he doesn't want me anymore.
I want to buy a one-way ticket to Brazil. And I want to start living in Latin America. Please, let me do it. Everything is going to be different there. I'm going to be different. I'm going to be someone who is happy. Tell me that everything depends on the place. Tell me if I fly long enough, I will forget who I am and I will start anew. I will not know that I always felt depressed, that all I did in this life was trying to escape that depression and feel that I'm alive and I live and everything around is beautiful and bright.